Wednesday, July 01, 2009

Where Your Eyes Don't Go

Yesterday, while placing the finishing touches on our latest installment of the legendary Monster of the Month series, the chefs of the Hyper Kitchen were interrupted by a legion of corrupt attorneys and law-enforcement officers (possibly sent by the Bilderberg Group). They not only shut down our internet access but proceeded to interrogate us about the whereabouts of one Ned Swanberg, well-known author and ne'er-do-well. No strangers to grilling, the chefs kept mum throughout the ordeal and their captors had no choice but to leave in anger. We have since changed the locks on the door.

While the status quo has been resumed, we were critically delayed in posting of our Monster of the Month post. It looks like we'll wind up doing two monster-related posts in July. So, in a way, everyone wins.

For this belated entry, we delve into the colorful realm of lumberjack folklore. The lumberjacks were known for their tall-tales and claimed to have encountered a plethora of strange beasts while working in the remote forests. Most of these creatures were described in lavish detail except for one, as no one had witnessed the thing and lived to talk about it. This is, of course, the dreaded Hidebehind.

pictured: one Hidebehind.

Like all the great monsters, the Hidebehind lurks deep in the archetypal forest. Nothing is known about the Hidebehind save for its great height and slender body. As its name implies, the Hidebehind would stalk the unwary lumberjack by silently creeping from tree-to-tree and concealing itself. If the lumberjack happened to look over his shoulder as the monster was approaching, it would hurl itself behind the nearest tree at lightning speed. Consequently, it was impossible to determine if one was being followed by a Hidebehind or whether one was safe and alone. This probably lead to numerous lumberjacks becoming hopelessly paranoid, perhaps carrying their axes with them at all times.

Would you like to know more?
-Read this online edition of Fearsome Creatures of the Lumberwoods


  1. "From Hell it Came" and The Rat King article more than sufficed my monster appetite for June.

  2. I am also not Lucas, now fathom that Hyper Kitchen!

  3. I know who you are and I saw what you did!

  4. Melvin GuilstrongJuly 14, 2009 at 6:03 PM

    Ha! The Hidebehind sounds like my exgirlfriend who was extremely jealous of any girl who would as much as look at me. Unlike the poor unsuspecting lumberjacks, I know when I'm being followed and I tend to throw rocks in that general direction (always good to throw rocks in a direction where one may be paranoid of).

    Anyways, Gordon, where do you keep coming up with stuff like this?

  5. Coming from the future has its benefits, Melvin. If I told you any more, the Earth would explode. It's all scientific.