Bite the Hand That Feeds You

April has passed by at a speed usually reserved for insidious subliminal messages [drink pepsi] and we are compelled to bring to you a new installment of the Hyper Kitchen's notorious Monster of the Month Series. Earlier, a friend suggested an entry on vampires, and while we're ordinarily way too hip to be swayed by popular demand, we relished the idea of digging up a vampire that wasn't your typical pale-faced Romanian...or a sparkly teenager. Our search yielded some mighty interesting subjects, which we will doubtlessly return to at some point in the future, but after careful consideration we went for another figure from the world of horror films. With no further delay, we are proud to present Zoltan, the Hound of Dracula!


Appearing in the 1978 movie that bears its name, Zoltan was originally a normal dog in 19th century Russia that defended a woman from the legendary vampire Count Dracula. Enraged, Dracula drains the dog's blood instead, leaving Zoltan an undead hound of hell. The now-malevolent Zoltan promptly attacks and drinks the blood of Nalder, his old master and the two go forth to perpetuate the tragic endless cycle of blood-drinking and murder. Through a series of unseen circumstances, they are defeated, staked, and locked in coffins.

Two hundred years later, the crypt is discovered by road-workers who foolishly remove the stakes and thereby return the demonic dog and his sidekick to life. Still thralls of Dracula after all this time, they travel to America and seek out Dracula's non-vampire descendant, who is in the middle of camping with his family, his German Shepard, and a box of adorable puppies. These animals, as well as dogs belonging to other campers, are eventually transformed into vampires, but human good triumphs over canine evil and Zoltan is destroyed. The film was directed by Albert Band, who also directed the supernatural potboiler I Bury the Living and was the father of Charles Band (the man who brought Robot Jox to the world.)


Now you know.

Would you like to know more?
-Watch this trailer and feel the horror

Hollywood Vampire

Maila Nurmi (born in 1922 in what is now Pechenga, Russia) was at various points in her life a model, an actress, a chorus-line dancer, a hat-check girl, an Emmy-nominated TV hostess, a linoleum installation worker, a carpenter, and Goth icon. She also dated Orson Welles for a few months, was friends with James Dean (who was disappointed to discover that she was not a satanist), and rubbed elbows with Elvis Presley and Marilyn Monroe. She is best known, however, for her role in what is commonly referred to as the worst movie ever filmed: Plan 9 from Outer Space.

Nurmi grew up in Ohio, but split for LA in 1939. There, she supported herself through the odd modeling jobs and posing for pin-ups (working at one point with surrealist photographer Man Ray) trying to make her big break into Hollywood. Despite a few bit parts, fame eluded Nurmi. She did get acquainted with several notable celebrities, and met and married Oscar-winning director and screenwriter Dean Riesner.

In 1953, she attended a costume ball in a get-up inspired by Morticia from Charles Addams' famous New Yorker cartoon series. Clad in a black dress, and wearing pale make-up, Nurmi looked like a walking corpse. She was spotted by KABC-TV producer Hunt Stromberg Jr., who realized that she'd be perfect to host various horror and science-fiction films being aired on his station. Nurmi's husband concocted the name "Vampira" and the character was born. One year later The Vampira Show (originally titled "Dig Me Later, Vampira") debuted. On the show, Nurmi would introduce various films in a gothic set obscured by generous amounts of artificial fog. Accompanied by a puppet spider named Rollo, Vampira would typically unleash a series of deliriously bad graveyard-themed puns. The show was a smash hit, and Nurmi's fame grew. Life magazine published an article about the show and the Vampira character, while Nurmi ran for mayor of Hollywood as Vampira for a promotional stunt. The show's format proved so successful that various television studios across the nation began mimicking it, airing Universal Studios horror movies that had been leased in a package deal. All sorts of campy, ghoulish hosts were created and the era of Creature Feature television had begun.

After surviving a bizarre murder attempt in 1955, in which a lunatic invaded her home and held her hostage for four hours until she escaped, Nurmi again tried to segue into the film industry. She was contacted by infamous schlock director Ed Wood and was offered a role in his film Plan 9 from Outer Space. Hoping to use it as a stepping stone to better things, Nurmi accepted. The movie was legendarily awful and Nurmi's subsequent roles were in movies equally bad or worse, such as Sex Kittens go to College. Decades later, these films would be featured on late-night TV shows similar to one she had pioneered.

By the time the sixties had rolled around, Nurmi could scarcely find work in Hollywood and her relationship with Riesner had dissolved. They were divorced, and Nurmi later re-married to actor Fabrizio Mioni. To earn money, she fell back on oddjobs, and later opened an antiques store called Vampira's Attic that sold items to (among other people) the Zappa family. She operated the store until 1981, in which an aborted attempt was made to resurrect the Vampira Show. Nurmi was unhappy with her lack of control over the show and departed, taking with her the Vampira name and likeness. The result was the Vampira-clone Elvira, Mistress of the Dark, portrayed by Cassandra Peterson. Nurmi sued, claiming that Elvira was infringed upon the Vampira likeness, but lost the case. Elvira went on to become an iconic-figure in 1980's pop-culture. Vampira, meanwhile, was immortalized in a song of the same name by punk group The Misfits.

Nurmi did get some recognition after the arrival of home video introduced Vampira to new audiences. Plan 9 From Outer Space had suddenly become a mega-hit thanks to its unparalleled ineptitude, and Nurmi was receiving interview offers by horror magazines and documentary filmmakers. In 1994, Tim Burton famously directed a heavily-exaggerated biography of Ed Wood, and Nurmi was portrayed by model Lisa Marie. It was that same year that a Vampira model kit was unveiled, along with other merchandise. Images of Vampira, particularly those taken from Plan 9 from Outer Space, were appropriated by the Goth sub-culture and Nurmi gained further fame amongst this group. She eventually began operating a website through which she sold autographed Vampira memorabilia. Nurmi died in Hollywood in 2008 at the age of 85. She was given a brief tribute at the 2009 Academy Awards.



Would you like to know more?
-The Official Vampira website
-Maila Nurmi's filmography

Attack of the Vampire Squids from Hell

Yesterday, the sun and moon were side-by-side, hanging low in a blood-red sky. Earlier, a two-headed calf was born in Swanton. It rained frogs in Bradford for a full hour. These omens can only indicate one thing. It is time once again for the Monster of the Month! For those of you who are new to the Hyper Kitchen (and god bless you, sirs and madams!), every month we serve up a new monster for your approval. This March, we descend into the dark realm of teuthology to bring you the infamous Vampire Squid from Hell. For fans marine biology or H.P. Lovecraft, this little oceanic freak ought to be a interesting find.

The Vampire Squid from Hell (known by the scientific name of "vampyroteuthis infernalis") is a deep-sea cephalod first discovered in 1903 by a German biologist named Carl Chun. Chun was undoubtedly inspired by the squid's black flesh and red eyes when selecting a name. Additionally, the squid's tentacles are connected by webbed membrane, visually similar to the membrane of a bat's wing.

The Vampire Squid from Hell dwells in some of deepest parts of the ocean, an ebony environment referred to as the Oxygen Minimum Layer. Though it is called a squid, it is actually a relative of both octopi and squids, belonging to its own distinct order called Vampyromorpha. They utilize ear-like fins to propel themselves through the water, and attract their pray with bioluminescent strands.

Unfortunately, the Vampire Squid from Hell falls somewhat short of its undeniably fearsome name. It does not drain blood, nor convert other cephalopods into Vampire Squids from Hell. They only grow to be around a foot long, so they could never wrap their tentacles around some unfortunate submarine. The eerie jet black skintone of some specimens is not even the norm, and others have been observed to be a pinkish-orange.

Still... you wouldn't want to encounter one on some dark evening.




What to learn the full biological specifications of the Vampire Squid from Hell? Look no further.

Monster of the Month

Here in the Hyper Kitchen, we value the capacity of monsters to spice things up. It's never a dull moment when your life is in mortal danger. We assert that the monsters have rocketed mankind to ever more dizzying heights of cultural excellence and we shall be celebrating them every month. So now, every lunar cycle we will present a new freakish creature from nature, mythology, folklore, film, literature, or urban legend.

February is the month of the Brainiac (pictured above), the eponymous thing from the English-dubbed version of the Mexican made horror movie El Barón del Terror. Brought to the United States by Ken Murray (the same man who introduced Americans to the cinematic spectacle that was the luchador movie) the Brainiac featured a cruel, satanic baron in seventeenth-century Mexico who was burned at the stake for his occult practices by the Inquisition. The baron vowed that his resurrection would be heralded by the passing of a mysterious comet, seen overhead at his execution. Three hundred years later in the hip future of 1961, the baron returns from oblivion to exact his revenge, now an undead thing with the ability to to slurp out his victims brain with the aid of a tubular, forked tongue. Pulse-pounding stuff.

Not surprisingly, the movie lapsed into public domain in the United States. In this ever strange world, it is somehow comforting to know that we all own a part of the Brainiac.

You can watch the entire film here.