Washington Comes Clean About the Little Green Men

In a recent public relations initiative, the White House made a promise to issue official responses to any formal petition to garner more than five thousands signatures in one month. They were probably not expecting a letter requesting the President to "disclose to the American people the long-withheld knowledge of government interactions with extraterrestrial beings." Who can say whether the signatories of this petition earnestly believed that the U.S. government had secret dealings with creatures from outer space or whether it was only for the lulz* (as the cool kids are wont to say), but the White House kept its part of the bargain and issued a statement saying that there has been no "credible evidence" of alien life visiting Earth or making contact from government representatives. For the majority of Americans, the question of whether or not the government had various Saucer Men secreted away in New Mexico bunkers was probably a non-issue. The tiny portion of the population who were concerned about such matters are doubtlessly skeptical. Conspiracy theorists are notoriously unreasonable. 


Would you like to know more?
-Read this article from The Hill



*This will be the only time that you will see Internet Slang on the Hyper Kitchen

Secret of the Space Tyrant!

Kalmykia is a small Buddhist republic in the greater Russian Federation. For 17 years, the nation was ruled by President Kirsan Ilyumzhinov, a multi-millionaire who made his fortune in the privatization of the Russian auto industry after the collapse of the Soviet Union. Ilyumzhinov is also the head of the World Chess Federation and introduced compulsory chess-education in Kalmykian schools. His time as president was marked by ostentatious displays and charges of corruption. The people of Kalmykia remain the poorest in all of Russia, despite numerous expensive construction projects; most notably a still yet-to-be-completed "Chess City" which was intended to house and celebrate chess champions and facilitate competitions. In 1998, opposition journalist Larisa Yudina was found stabbed and bludgeoned to death after publishing articles critical of Ilyumzhinov. Her murderers were two former government aides to Ilyumzhinov, who promptly banned the publication of Yudina's newspaper. The organization Reporters without Borders currently rate Kalmykia as being "among the most repressive towards the media in the entire Russian Federation." If this wasn't enough, Ilyumzhinov also described having a friendly relationship with Libyan dictator Muammar al-Gaddafi and former Iraqi-dictator Saddam Hussien.

Despite these little controversies, Vladimir Putin, then president of Russia, seemed to think well of Ilyumzhinov. In 2002, after Putin abolished the direct election of regional leaders (with this power being relocated to the Russian presidency), he selected Ilyumshinov for another seven-year term. Ilyumzhinov's political future was assured, until 2010 when the Kalmykian president made a very serious gaffe on a televised interview.

Kirsan Ilyumzhinov announced that on September 17th, 1997, during a trip to Moscow, he was visited by aliens.

The abduction was a simple affair, really. As described by Ilyumzhinov, the aliens descended from the skies, took him from his apartment and brought him to "some star." Ilyumzhinov, fearing that he would be late for a meeting in Ukraine, asked the aliens if they could bring him back to Earth and they complied. During the voyage, Ilyumzhinov had the opportunity to talk at length with his newfound extraterrestrial friends and they implied that chess originated in outer space.

Shortly after the interview, Putin's successor President Dmitry Medvedev received a letter from an alarmed Russian MP Andre Lebedev, who asserted that Ilyumzhinov was unfit to rule Kalmykia. Rather than decrying Ilyumzhinov as delusional, Lebedev was primarily concerned that the Kalmykian president may have disclosed official secrets to the aliens and created a security risk for the Russian Federation. Lebedev went on to suggest that alien abduction protocol be drafted for government leaders to prevent breaches of sensitive information.

It was probably not a coincidence that after controlling Kalmykia since 1993, Ilyumzhinov announced that he would not run for another term. Medvedev's new appointed president of Kalmykia, Alexei Orlov, was installed into power on October 24th, 2010. Although he has lost his political power, Ilymzhinov continues to act as the president of the World Chess Federation. Chessplayers, it appears, are more familiar with insanity.

Would you like to know more?
-Read this article from the Guardian
-Read this article from the BBC
-Watch this interview with Illymzhinov

Meet the New Masters

Let's Go Cosmic

Doctor Edgar Mitchell (D.Sc. in Aeronautics and Astronautics) piloted the lunar module for the Apollo 14 flight to the moon. It was during that mission that he became the sixth man to walk on the moon's dusty gray surface. Born in Hereford, Texas, in 1930, Dr. Mitchell is an all-American. When he was young, he was a decorated member of the Boy Scouts. He belonged to the Demolay International fraternity while earning his degree at the Carnegie Institute of Technology. He later joined the U.S. Navy and became a pilot, eventually attaining the rank of captain. After taking part in the historic Apollo space program, he became an author and lecturer.

This background does not suggest a man who would be involved with the paranormal, but during his time in the Apollo program, Mitchell was conducting secret experiments in Extra-Sensory Perception with his friends. On his return voyage to Earth, Mitchell experienced a transcendental epiphany. Catching sight of the Earth in the window of the capsule, Dr. Mitchell described suddenly attaining deep emotional connection to the planet and all matter originating there. As a result of this experience he co-founded the Institute of Noetic Sciences in 1973; an organization devoted to exploring ESP, out-of-body experiences, and telepathy.

In interviews and at lectures, Mitchell outlines his beliefs in an earnest, matter-of-fact manner. He says that his conviction in the metaphysical was only further strengthened in 2004, after his non-confirmed case of kidney cancer was sent into remission by a telekinetic "remote healer" living in Canada.

Dr. Mitchell has also been very public in his views on UFOs and claims that intelligent extraterrestrial life has been visiting Earth for a matter of decades. He has said that a "cabal" within the government has been actively trying to dismiss or conceal the evidence of these alien visitations, starting with the 1947 incident in Roswell, New Mexico. Initially he implicated NASA in this conspiracy, but has since said that NASA is not involved. NASA, meanwhile, has had the awkward task of refuting his claims while remaining respectful to this hero of space exploration.




Would you like to know more?
-Dr. Mitchell's personal website
-The Institute of Noetic Sciences homepage
-NASA's biography of Dr. Mitchell
-Buy Dr. Mitchell's book "Psychic Exploration: A Challenge for Science."
-Watch an "An Epiphany in Space" with Edgar Mitchell, produced by the INS.

Maverick from Another Planet

Gabriel Green ran as a write-in candidate for president in 1960 and 1972. Although he was a third-party candidate and could not afford the advertising materials that his political rivals employed, Green had an ace up his sleeve and had secured the endorsement and aid of a difficult-to-reach demographic.

You see, Green had assistance from beings from another planet.

Green was a native of Whittier, California (the same area that launched Richard Nixon to superstardom). A graduate of the Woodbury Business School of Los Angeles, Green worked as a photographer under the employ of the Los Angeles school system, taking pictures of children and faculty for yearbooks. In 1957, Green founded the "Amalgamated Flying Saucer Club of America, Inc." and announced to the world his fantastic encounter with humanoid aliens. Three years later he launched his first bid to become the president of the United States, representing the Universal Flying Saucer Party.

Green claimed that the aliens had taken him for a long space voyage in their flying saucer, and showed him their home planet of "Korender," orbiting around the star Alpha Centauri. They were wise and benevolent humanoids, and created a permanent telepathic connection for Green to communicate with them across the vastness of space. They also, according to Green, helped him gather votes when he was campaigning.

Green ran on a platform of reform, peace, expanded social services, and low-taxes. He explained that the inhabitants of planet Korender had helped him devise a new political philosophy of United World Universal Economics. While campaigning, Green also claimed that he had graduated from UC Berkeley in 1953 with a PhD in physics, and had contributed to the development of the Standard Model of particle physics. Presumably, he hoped that pretending to be a scientist would give a much needed boost to his comparatively lackluster credentials.

It was a tight race, but Green failed to win the 1960 election, eventually dropping out and endorsing Kennedy. Two years later he ran unsuccessfully for U.S. Senate in California. Green took a brief sabbatical from the world of politics to write Let's Face Facts About Flying Saucers, an account of his meeting with extraterrestrials as well as reports on other flying saucer sightings. Five years later he began his second presidential campaign, this time from Iowa. Again, he met with defeat. Green retired to California, where he occasionally spoke at UFO conventions and New Age gatherings. He died in Yucca Valley, California, on September 8th, 2001.

Green was just one of many people who claimed to have been contacted by aliens during the fifties, but he remains one of the most obscure possibly due to the political incompetence of his alien allies. Whether or not the inhabitants of Korender have selected a new candidate to fight for the principles of United World Universal Economics has not been disclosed.





Further Reading:
Let's Face Facts About Flying Saucers by Gabriel Green
UFOs and Popular Culture by James R. Lewis

God is Electromagnetic

Over the course of human history, countless people have tried to commune with the Supreme Being of their choice. In a time when Jesus has apparently decided to make guest-appearances on slices of toast, it seems that more and more people are experiencing the mystical. But there remains that sad minority of people who, try as they may, just can't seem to muster up a religious vision or "out of body" event.

Worry no more! At last the rest of us can gossip with the godhead! Even today's man-on-the-go can be Born Again, thanks to a miraculous new device invented by a Canadian scientist named Michael Persinger. Persinger was already controversial for his claims that UFO experiences are hallucinations produced by electromagnetic waves emanating from shifting tectonic plates. Through this research, he began investigating the similarities between UFO sightings and hierophanies. He noted that temporal lobe epileptics had reported seeing Saints during seizures.

To test his theories, Persinger created a device that stimulated the parietal and temporal lobes in the right hemisphere of the brain using magnetic fields. The original apparatus was installed into a customized snow-mobile helmet, although subsequent versions were far more hi-tech. 80% of those who took part in Persinger's experiments claimed to have perceived an ethereal being in the room, felt a connection to another intelligence, or felt as though someone that they knew had died.

Persinger had received earlier criticism during his UFO work for slipshod testing procedures and leaping to conclusions. His new brain experiments drew much of the same criticism, but he still had his supporters. Susan Blackmore, an English writer on the subjects of psychology and memeplexes, agreed with Persinger's conclusions and reported having an "extraordinary" experience while using the machine. This could, however, be attributed to her documented pre-existing interest in the paranormal and her "extraordinary" experience could very well be a manifestation of the Observer-Expectancy Effect. Swedish researchers attempted to duplicate Persinger's experiments, making sure to use double-blind conditions. They decided that the results were inconclusive, especially after failing to induce potent religious feelings in famed atheist Richard Dawkins. Persinger countered that the Swedes had not followed his complete procedure, and that the subjects were not sufficiently exposed to the magnetic waves.



Is the machine holy or is it a mere hoax? Is god an hallucination? Regardless, the Hyper Chefs conclude that the device is ultimately unnecessary, and that people will believe anything in the right circumstances (or with the application of the right drugs). If you will permit us a Soap-Box Moment: extraordinary claims always require extraordinary proof, and no claims are more extraordinary than those made by religion. Such things should never just be given the benefit of the doubt. We assert that all evidence indicates it is mankind who writes the recipes, and that there is no celestial Chef de Cuisine breathing down our necks. Without such cultural and conceptual restraints, people can be free to cook up whatever they want.

For better or for worse.









Further Reading
-The Telegraph's articles on the subject
Wired Magazine's article on Michael Persinger
-The BBC's assessment of the Dawkins test